I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize