How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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