I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
