your thong is hanging out like whoa
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
