3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
