apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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