turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
