Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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