Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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