Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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