just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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