i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
