That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
