I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
