is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
