I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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