You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
