At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
And then he peed in my hair
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