Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
