the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Who died my cat blue again?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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