I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
