the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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