That's when you crack a 10am beer
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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