he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
