Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
