We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
