$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
