He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
