hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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