i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
