you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
