You're a womanizer and a bitch.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
