Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm passing your future prison.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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