I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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