I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Oh god it's open bar.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
