i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
