new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
