dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Drunk is a universal language darling
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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