I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
