I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
