i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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