Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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