just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize