Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I understand Curling. That high.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
