When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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