Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
