I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
