When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
