hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
