ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
