Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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