Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
