chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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