So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
ttyl tear gas
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
