I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
