I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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