Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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