ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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