I just gift wrapped bread.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
