I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
