her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
