The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
