Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
