at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
